Wise words

You can shed tears that he is gone,

or you can smile because he has lived.

You can close your eyes and wish that he would come back,

or you can open you eyes and see all he has left.

Your heart can be empty because you cannot see him,

or it can be full of the love that you shared.

You can remember only that he is gone,

or you can cherish his memory and let it live on.

You can cry, close your mind, be empty and turn your back,

or you can do what he would want: smile, open your eyes, love, and go on.

- by David Harkins (shared by Brielle Killip)

Happy Birthday, Noah!

Noah would have been two today. I would like nothing more than to be wiping birthday frosting from his cheeks. Instead, as Josh says, "The big man better be throwing a big bash for our boy in heaven."

I thought it might be appropriate to share Josh's words from Noah's funeral... because in spite of all we lost, Noah brought us such joy, such pride... and we continue to be amazed at the way his short life has impacted those who have heard his story.

Happy Birthday, little Noah man. We miss you.

Deb and I would like to thank all our family and friends for their love and support. The trials of today and the days to come are much easier because of each and every one of you.

Over the course of the last few days I have been processing being a parent and the decisions you face and what you most earnestly desire for your child. To be honest, I was thinking about these things because my mind was dwelling on how Deb and I would not know or experience these things as Noah’s parents.

But then God pricked my heart and put the following thoughts into motion. The decisions parents make are done to help mold their children so they can have a positive impact on others. Nothing makes a parent prouder than their child changing the lives of others in a positive way. I think it is very rare for parents to actually experience their children having a widespread impact on other people and even a small case of such an experience brings more joy than a lifetime of good grades and terrific performances.

Then I started to think about our son, Noah… and I began to realize how blessed we are. We were blessed with a son who, in the shortest period of time, impacted more people then Deb or I could have ever imagined. I will never understand why… why us, why Noah, why now… but I am at least starting to see how Noah and his brief life touched so many people, some who we know but most we don’t, and this has brought us joy. And while we will not experience Noah’s good grades or great performances, I am proud and thankful that God allowed us to experience that joy as his parents.

Missing Noah in pictures, 365 days

*Pictures courtesy of Monica Carroll Photography

Toasted ravs and other thoughts

1. I would probably give my left arm for some toasted ravioli right now. (For those of you not from the St. Louis area, you don't know what you are missing.)

2. I took a first step to transform Noah's room into a room for the new baby on Saturday. His room has remained virtually untouched since last August... except for being used for additional storage when the flood displaced many of our belongings. I started by sorting clothes, trying to decide what to keep, what to give away, and what to save as just for memories of our little Noah man. It is going to be a long, emotional process.

3. This is the beginning of a long month of sad anniversaries. One year ago Saturday we took Noah to the emergency room because he stopped breathing. We never got a chance to bring him home again. Extra prayers would be appreciated as we remember and celebrate Noah's life during these next few weeks.

4. Is it possible that this little boy inside me is already strong-willed? I made an unscheduled trip to the doctor's office yesterday to hear his heartbeat because he hadn't been moving as much as usual on Sunday... after kicking me hard enough on Saturday morning for Josh to feel. His heartbeat was strong and clear... and I was relieved. Today, of course, he has been kicking me like crazy. Silly boy - you shouldn't scare your mama like that!

5. Did I mention that I really want some toasted ravioli?

Ten Summer Favorites

Not much exciting to post about since our ultrasound... so I thought I would share with you a few of the things that have been favorites of mine this summer.

1. Lego Indiana Jones for the Wii - I love our Wii. Love it. I bought the Lego Star Wars game for Josh for his birthday back in May and decided I needed to treat myself to the Indiana Jones version after watching him play. Really fun and addicting. The game follows the plot of each of the Indiana Jones movies and includes some of the really classic scenes.

2. DeLonghi Indoor Grill - I have had this for a few years but just recently recognized its true worth. It does an amazing job of giving food a grilled flavor and keeping meat juicy. And I don't worry about blowing anything up when I use it (unlike the outdoor grill). Yum.

3. The Closer - Let's face it... summer TV pickings are pretty slim. Which is why I LOVE the fact that "The Closer" runs its new episodes during this drought. Not to mention that the show is awesome.

4. Albert Pujols & the St. Louis Cardinals - I never realized how attached I had gotten to the Cardinals until we moved to Alabama. There is just something about the Redbirds that makes you love them. I had a hard time forgiving the front office when they traded David Eckstein... but I guess that is the nature of MLB. And Pujols? What a classy guy. One of my favorite professional athletes of all time.

5. Asiago Cheese Bagels from Panera - (Ahem. I mean Bread Co. Except no one in T-town knows where I am talking about when I call it that.) These have been my pregnancy addiction. I have always enjoyed them but my enjoyment is at a whole new level since having a bun in the oven. The staff at Panera in Midtown Village is starting to recognize me...

6. Neutrogena Fresh Cooling Sunblock Spray - Hands down one of the best sunscreens I have ever used. Sprays on in a light layer that is not greasy and it works! A must have.
7. Skin Milk Body Lotion - I use Skin Milk body lotion and body wash and love them. Smells good and the lotion goes on without a greasy or heavy feeling. Sometimes hard to find, but worth the search.

8. Novels by Jodi Picoult - I have been devouring Jodi Picoult's novels this summer. She is a prolific writer, so I have not been lacking for reading material, and one of her books, My Sister's Keeper, recently hit the big screen. An excellent writer.

9. Eric Hutchinson "Sounds Like This" - This is my summer soundtrack. I haven't listened to the entire album yet, but so far have liked everything I have heard. My favorite? "Rock and Roll" ... it gets me tapping my feet and singing along everytime.

10. Bejeweled - Okay, okay. I know this is not a new game. But it is new to me. And its emergence on Facebook and as an iPhone app has gotten me A-D-D-I-C-T-E-D. My brother gets ridiculously high scores on the 1 minute facebook version... I will beat him. Eventually.

Here he is!

Yep. You read that correctly - we are having another boy!

This came as no real surprise to us as Josh comes from a long tradition of boys (the first born son of a first born son who only had sons...) and the girls are few and far between. One of his good friends commented upon hearing the news... "Does Josh even have any X chromosomes?"

More importantly, little Lauer got a clean bill of health from the ultrasound tech... a relief and blessing to us. At this stage, there is no way to identify the degenerative brain disorder that affected Noah... but that condition is so rare it would be highly unlikely for our second son have the same DNA mutation. My concerns focused more on the myriad of other disorders and problems that can affect babies... and once you have experienced the loss of a child, it is hard to imagine everything going smoothly and being "normal". So the sight of our little guy eased our worries and made us even more excited for December to come.

I know all ultrasound look the same (for the most part) but I couldn't resist posting these shots. I mean, isn't he as cute as can be?

Profile

Spine

Foot

Proof positive!

(I'm sure he'll be mad at me one day for posting this pic!)

Belly Shot

After many requests (Lindy!), here a recent "belly shot" of me at about 16 weeks. We go in for an ultrasound on Wednesday (7/8) and hopefully will find out if our little nugget is a boy or girl!

That hot ride behind me was our rental car in Miami... seriously. It was the only midsize car left in the National lot when we arrived, so what are you gonna do?

Miami in pictures

This was the view out of one of our hotel room windows... the buildings beyond are on Miami Beach and if you look really closely you can see one of the huge cruise ships docked at the Port of Miami.

This is also a view from our hotel room... I was amazed at the size of the boats that were tugged along this river. The process of opening and closing the bridge was not fast, as we discovered when we were trying to drive across the bridge to get to our hotel!

On our last night in Miami, we found our way to the U. of Miami campus to watch the US Women's National team play against Puerto Rico. It was a great match!