Saturday, July 10, 2010

A life more ordinary

I know.

The expression is supposed to be, "A life less ordinary."

But you know what? I've been there. Losing a child to a brain disorder caused by a mutation that had only been seen once before in the world is about as far from ordinary as you can get.

So now I crave regular life. The typical. The expected. And I have come to fear the extraordinary. The atypical. The unexpected.

I want Eli to be in the 50th percentile in weight and height.

I want to open a guide to a baby's first year and check off every developmental milestone as they happen RIGHT ON SCHEDULE.

I don't want him to be advanced or behind.
As Goldilocks was fond of saying... I want him "just right."
Or as Josh likes to say, I want a Stepford baby.

Fat. Chance.

And I know this.

But it doesn't stop me from being borderline neurotic about Eli crawling. Or saying "mamamamama" over and over again with the hopes that he will stop looking at me like I am crazy and decide to imitate me. Or wishing that he would stop spitting up.

So my goal for the remainder of Eli's first year of life is to relax. To sit back and enjoy what he IS doing as opposed to worrying about what he ISN'T doing. To laugh when he blows a zerbert on MY skin as I so often do to his. To relish the fact that he has started reaching for me when I put my arms out for him. To remain impressed when he rolls and rolls and rolls across the living room floor so he can scratch at the speakers underneath the TV. To be impressed with his attention span when he watches an entire episode of Super Why without getting distracted. To savor the moments he chooses to snuggle with me before taking a nap or going to be in the evenings... and to let myself cry at little when I look at his sleeping face and think for just a minute that I am holding his older brother.

It is not New Year's Day. But I am making a resolution nonetheless. Pray that I am able to keep it.

"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline." 2 Timothy 1:7

8 comments:

Jamie said...

What is it with Super Why?? Lauren happened to turn the channel to an episode one day and was quite impressed!

Erin said...

Dear Deb,

I came across your blog awhile back when another friend asked for people to pray for you. (I did!) So even though we don't actually know each other I like to pretend we do.
Anyway.

A friend of mine has a little boy who just turned 1 in may who reminds me soo much of your Eli. He is an, um, rounder boy but perfectly healthy and so sweet. He decided to skip crawling and decided this week to go straight to walking. So no worries about the crawling thing. (Just thought you might like some reassurance that you weren't alone.)

Kirsten said...

I will most certainly pray specifically for you on this. I struggle with many of the same fears right now with Solomon. In spite of what the doctors keep telling me - that he's catching up and he's a bit behind now because of his large-ness - I still worry. My 2nd born, Asher, never crawled. He scooched on his bum and rolled all over the place. My 1st born only army crawled and then walked. I think the important thing is that they are making efforts towards movement... no matter what the mode. I know that doesn't probably help much... but I do understand a tiny bit of your fear and will be praying for you.

Anonymous said...

Love this post. It makes me smile and cry. Breaks my heart when you said you would think for just a minute that you were holding his older brother.
Praying for you today! I know you already know God's peace from the title of your blog...but today I'm praying for a new peace that passes your understanding. May God's love overtake you today.

Amy Barrett said...

I am praying for you. Praying that God will continue to heal your heart as you grieve Noah. Also praying that you revel in Eli's magnificence. He is a gift! Love you!

Abbie said...

An impossible task for any mom. I am struggling with the same thing myself. It is so hard to just enjoy each moment and not be impatient for the next.
Good luck!

The Murphys said...

I think the the way scripture says Mary, "pondered these things in her heart" when she was told she would have a son whose name would be Jesus, is exactly what you do when you let yourself go back to the treasured memory upon holding Noah...even if it hurts so much that you feel like you can't breath - you are pondering that time upon your heart. Times like those are meant to take our breath away and meant to be perhaps the very smell of God.

As August approaches I approach a more thoughtful month of praying for you. Love, Emily

Sara D. said...

I totally get it, Deb. I struggle with having expectations for John & Libby...because back in the day, the doctors just didn't know what we could expect from them. Now they are going into kindergarten without any therapy or services, which is the complete answer to our prayers, but makes me PANIC a little, without our safety net of therapy and delays and prematurity-related issues. I just have never loved them without some sort of fear, after all, it's how our relationship started...so I am learning to let that go too!!

Also...I think most parents struggle with living in the moment. Where some might worry about what's happening, others are always looking forward to what's coming next. Being present is such a struggle!!! You have such a beautiful, healthy boy...I hope he is giving you lots of reasons to sit back and enjoy him today!!!